The Four Horsemen: What They Are & How to Transform Them for Healthier Relationships
Even the strongest relationships face conflict. What determines whether a relationship will thrive or fall apart isn’t whether conflict arises—but how it’s handled.
According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, leading researchers in the field of relationship psychology, there are four communication patterns that are especially destructive to relationships. They call them The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—a metaphor for the behaviors that, when left unaddressed, often signal the end of a relationship.
The good news? Each of these patterns has an antidote. Awareness and intentional practice can turn conflict into connection and criticism into care.
The Four Horsemen (and Their Antidotes)
1. Criticism
Criticism attacks the character of your partner rather than addressing a specific behavior. It often sounds like:
“You never think about how your actions affect me.”
“Why are you always so selfish?”
Over time, criticism can lead to feelings of resentment and emotional distance.
Antidote: Gentle Start-Up
Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs without blame. Focus on the specific behavior, not your partner’s character.
“I felt hurt when you didn’t call. I really appreciate it when you check in.”
2. Contempt
Contempt is the most damaging of the Four Horsemen. It’s fueled by a sense of superiority and often shows up as sarcasm, eye-rolling, mockery, or name-calling.
“Wow, you’re just SO lazy.”
“I guess I have to do everything myself, as usual.”
Contempt erodes the foundation of respect and safety in a relationship.
Antidote: Build a Culture of Appreciation
Counter contempt by regularly expressing gratitude, respect, and admiration. Notice what your partner does well and say it out loud.
“Thank you for helping with dinner tonight—it really means a lot.”
3. Defensiveness
Defensiveness is a way of self-protection in response to perceived attack. It often involves making excuses, shifting blame, or denying responsibility.
“It’s not my fault you’re always so sensitive.”
“You’re the one who forgot to remind me!”
It can escalate conflict instead of resolving it.
Antidote: Take Responsibility
Even if you don’t agree with everything, take ownership of your part in the situation.
“You’re right, I didn’t follow through. I’ll make sure it gets done tomorrow.”
4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling happens when one partner withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, or becomes emotionally unavailable. It’s often a sign of overwhelm or emotional flooding.
Silent treatment
Avoiding eye contact
Leaving the room without explanation
Antidote: Self-Soothing
Take a break to regulate your nervous system before re-engaging. Communicate that you need a pause and plan to come back to the conversation.
“I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Can we take 20 minutes and then come back to this?”
Why This Matters
Relationships thrive on mutual respect, emotional safety, and open communication. The Four Horsemen may show up from time to time—we’re all human—but recognizing them allows you to interrupt the pattern and choose a new way forward.
By practicing the antidotes, you cultivate a relationship dynamic built on empathy, connection, and growth.
Bringing It into Practice
If you recognize some of these patterns in your relationships, don’t panic. This awareness is your starting point. Begin by choosing just one antidote to practice this week—whether it’s offering appreciation, softening your language, or taking a mindful pause when emotions rise.
Reflection Prompt:
Which of the Four Horsemen shows up most often in your communication?
How can you practice the antidote this week, with yourself or a loved one?
And if this resonates with you, be sure to check out the Healing Energy Collective podcast episode on Gottman’s Four Horsemen. It offers deeper insights and gentle guidance to help you shift these patterns with compassion. For emotional regulation tools, join the Healing Energy Collective membership and if you’re navigating a breakup, I welcome you into my program Healing from Heartbreak: Returning to Wholeness.
Your relationships don’t have to be perfect—they just need to be nurtured with presence, honesty, and heart.